rab

why is my name the title of this post? coz this post is about me.. who i am... or at least, a part of who i am... perhaps i should let people know~

this post, is about how imperfect i am as a person, some of my many flaws, the shortcomings that makes up a "rabiyatul adawiyah"..

1. there's this korean variety show i enjoy watching.. called "family outing".. my goodness is it hilarious or what! lol~~ anyways, in this show, there would always be games where 2 teams compete against each other, usually with the winning team getting some kinda reward, or the loosing team end up having some kind of chores to complete... the games are always crazy and funny.. and for the sake of winning, players, no matter which team they're on, tend to cheat (preety obviously) for the sake of winning... its just a game, in just a variety show... with all the havocs-cheating included- just for the sake of entertainment and laughter..

KNOWING its just a game, KNOWING its just for the sake of entertaining the audience, i still cant help (pls note the words "CANT HELP") but to automatically get angry when i see them cheat in the game... i mean, even the opposing teams dont mind, they just go on and cheat as well, but somehow, cheating gets on my nerves...

trust me, if there's a button i could push to just change my mind set, to just laugh it off since its a show, i most definitely will push that button, a million times! a kazzillion times even... i keep telling myself "its just a freaking show dammit! stop getting so worked up!!" but still, it still gets on my nerves, every single time...

my point is, im not the kind who would cheat, so i get pissed when i see ppl do it, even if its over a stupid meaningless game, or in a variety show designed to make people laugh... i just cant deal with it... i wish i could be different, in this sence, i really really do.. but i just cant.. yet.. so im sorry~ just bare with me kay my beloved friends~~~~

2. when im pissed with something, or more specifically, someONE, i dont just stand there and yell at the person, or spit swear words at them, i just walk away, till im a lil cooled down.. i'll keep my distance a lil while till i could find my calm (at least enough not to throw a knife through someone's throat)..

why do i walk away? not that im running away or anything, but i know if i stay there, facing the source of my fury, i KNOW i WILL start yelling or babbling, i know im not gonna be able to hold my tongue, i know im probably gonna swear, i know im probably gonna say things thats gonna hurt someone's feeling, i know i may say something that would leave a mark on my friendship with someone, i might say something im gonna regret later... so, i just keep my distance, so i can keep my mouth shut... words once said, you can never take back, no matter what you do.. so, if anyone pisses me and i just leave, please just bare with me for a while.. it may take sometime before i can start explaining my point if view of things~~ (as in why whatever happened pissed me off)

3. now, this is one part of me that i hate the MOST! how do i put this? erm... its not exactly vengeful... neither is it grudeful... hurm... in simple words, i dont forgive, and i never forget..

sighs... i already said this is one part of me that i hate the most... also the kind of trait i wish a push of a button can solve... i really really do wish (again) that i could just easily change this super evil character i have, but thats easier said that done~

i used to be worst~ the kind who you mess with me once and you're done. thats it.

i know its unfair, i know i mess up too... if everyone is as unforgiving as me, we would'nt need to die to go to hell, hell would be right here on earth.. but then, as i said, its not something i can get rid of just yet.. so in conslusion, just dont mess with me.. (boleh gitu?) huhu~

4. when someone pisses me off and after that i still talk to them , and behave like usual, its not that im all ok or anything (please refer to 3.), its just that i dont wanna make things awkward in front of others... or even myself... bussiness is still bussiness... work is still work... what needs to be done needs to be done.. so relationship, friendship, bussiness goes on as usual... but its not the same.. its just me working the wheather~ not in a way to solve it, but in a way to put in behind and move on...

putting in behind does'nt mean putting it in the past... putting in behind means its still there... stored safely is a box (more like a safe)... just not on display~ you will never guess how much is stored in the box... even things you thought have deteriorated, back into its elements, or burned into ashes, or vanished into thin air... but no, its ALL there, every little insignificant spec of dust is (unfortunately) right there~



after reading this post, i dont know if anyone would leave any comments... but believe me, all the things you're gonna say to me, i've said to myself before... i know how unhealthy all these things are.. and as i said, i REALLY REALLY (a million trillion kazillion times) SERIOUSLY WISH i could change all these bad bad things about me, but i guess its gonna take sometime... it used to be worst, now im here... perhaps in the future it will be better..

but for now, this is me. ME! take it or leave in, i dont really care~~

coz i heard somewhere "those who matter wont mind, those who mind dont matter"

im in the process of making myself a better person every day~ cant change overnight unfortunately... so, terima lah saya seadanya ye~

buh-byeeeeeeee~~~

kak wan sayang~

Salam semua..



today, 1st of february, rutin yang sama setiap kali bangun tidur, buka internet, buka games, buka fb... dalam banyak banyak post, ada satu yg menarik pandangan mata... tentang kak wan, setahu ku, hari ulang tahun kak wan semalam, 31 januari... tapi jari-jemari ku tidak melakukan birthday shout out seperti biasa, walaupun di "remind" oleh fb di sudut atas kanan homepage fb ku.. berbalik kepada post tadi, yang disebut adalah bacaan yasin. what?? kak wan dah tak ada ke? immediately, i went to her page..



ternyata di wall-nya, yang ditulis adalah "selamat ulang tahun, hanya Al-fatihah yang dapat ku hadiah kan untuk mu" .....senyap seketika....... dan mataku terus membaca dan membaca setiap post yang ditulis di wall kak wan... mula bergenang mata ku... perkenalan kami bemula labih kurang 3 tahun lepas, namun perjumpan ku dengan kak wan, mungkin boleh dibilang dengan jari, beberapa kali berjumpa di training dan event ESQ.. perhubungan kami tak begitu rapat, so i thought, 'i don't think im gonna cry, though i am somewhat sad..'



baca dan terus membaca, mata terus bergenang..



sehingga tiba pada satu post ini- post nya panjang, namun saya petik bahagian yang paling penting;

"kami meredhai pemergiannya apatah lagi setelah melihat sendiri keperitan dan kesakitan yang tidak tertanggung melawan kansernya. kami yakin ini adalah pilihan Allah yang terbaik kepada Hasni. Sepanjang sakit tak pernah dia berhenti berzikir dan beristighfar. solatnya dijaga dan perginya dengan syahadat sehingga terlucut nyawa yang terakhir.. kami yakin dia akan berbahagia disana.....al fatihah."

HUJAN. air mataku bercucuran tanpa henti... Ya Allah, rahmatilah kak wan yang telah kembali kepada mu.. ampunkanlah dosa dosanya... terima lah kiriman fatihah dan doa kami buatnya...

semua yang mengenali kak wan, pasti menggambarkan beliau sebagai seorang yang ceria dan murah dengan senyuman.. hidupnya banyak memberi.. pemergiannya memancing rindu kami kepadanya... such a lovable person... buktinya, begitu banyak wall post yang mendoakannya berbahagia disana...

i lost a friend to cancer.. could this be a blessing in disguise for kak wan? saya sendiri melihat betapa kak wan semakin kurus melewati beberapa pertemuan.. sakit.. bukankan itu menjadi kifarah dosa? lebih2 lagi kanser, known to be terminal... Allah memberi warning jauh lebih awal kepada kak wan melalui sakitnya.. agar kak wan lebih bersedia... bagi saya, mereka yang meninggal kerana sakit adalah insan2 bertuah, kerana lebih bersedia menghadapi kematian sendiri..

lalu terus ku baca dan baca, semua post yang ditulis... hujan masih tak berhenti... sehinggalah tiba ke post pertama berkenaan pemergian kak wan... 23 januari... terkilan rasa di hati, kerana begitu lewat mendapat berita..

Ya Allah, tempatkanlah kak wan dikalangan hamba hamba mu yang soleh.. ampunkan lah dosa dosa nya... lapangkanlah, terangkanlah kuburnya... semoga dia berteman dengan amal amal solehnya, tenang di alam sana... bangkitkanlah kelak dalam sebaik baik keadaan, golongkanlah bersama hamba hamba Mu yang beruntung di hari akhirat kelak.. pemergiannya dengan zikir, istighfar dan syahadat, terima kasih kerana mengambilnya kembali dalam sebaik baik keadaan... Kasihani dan kasihi lah kak wan Ya Rabb.. sesungguhnya Engkaulah yang Maha Pengasih...

ku akhiri entry kali ini dengan linangan air mata... air mata kerinduan atau kesyukuran? saya amat bersyukur, amat gembira, kak wan pergi dalam keadaan yang baik... i would wish that for myself, semoga yang terakhir di bibir adalah syahadat... amin~